I’m prone to over analyse things. Years of feeling like I didn’t quite fit in and was always on the outside of what was viewed as the norm has left me with an insurmountable need to not feel like that anymore. I just want to fit in. To be normal. To be a nice person who people would like to spend time with.
But what if that comes at a cost? Would you be willing to sacrifice parts of yourself that you believe to be the good parts to conform to others around you? I’ve decided that I’m not willing. I’m almost 30. I may not 100% know who I am, but I know who I’m not. I know that I have no desire to be surrounded by negativity or drama. I’ve always found that I get on better with men rather than women and this is one of the reasons – the lack of drama. Any drama or bad mouthing of others causes me significant anxiety. It’s one of the things I’m really working on at the moment. Being independent. Spending time with people that I want to spend time with – people who I have common goals and interests with. People, who like me for me. If you’re not being yourself then it’s exhausting. You’re merely keeping up a charade for others 24/7. And I’ve learnt that it will never be to your benefit.
I’m focused on looking after my mental health. It’s something that I’m taking control of not just for me, but those around me. Despite my 15 year old self who tells me that I need a 100 friends who include me their activities to be popular, 30 year old me knows different. I don’t want to be popular now – I want kind hearted people in my life that are friends. I want friends that I can rely on, that enjoy spending time with the real me.. People that will be ok if I’m a bit of a mess one day, that understand when I need a little extra help and people whom I want to spend time with and want to help. I’ve reached a point in my life where I have no desire to spend time with people that I’ve nothing in common with. People who speak badly of others or don’t take time to think of those around them. People who have lots of friends but who would drop them in a heartbeat for someone better. People who are good time friends. I’m blessed to have some amazing friends – some of which have been in my life for many years. I’ve also been so lucky to make some great friends here on my expat journey. Good, kind, thoughtful people.
Letting go of negativity and the stress of surrounding yourself with people that you don’t want to be with is therapeutic. I may not know exactly where I’m headed but I feel lighter knowing who I have supporting me. Let go of any person in your life who causes negativity and you will find your world a much happier place.