Tag: life

Home is home. It will feel like home again won’t it?

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We’re home. About four months now. As I type those words I’m wondering how that is even possible? Where has this time gone? The beautiful summer days? Just gone in a fog of tiredness, stress, anxiety, worry and then the wonderfulness of catching up with family and friends. The joy of being close to home for family occasions, the girly catch ups and the family support.

The repatriation back to Ireland has been ok. But hard. I didn’t expect it to be easy and I went into it with open eyes and that definitely helped. But we arrived back to a country with a housing crisis. With high rents, lack of availability in housing and childcare and its definitely been a stressful time readjusting. Add to that then that Rob has a huge amount of travel in his new role and that he was gone 6 out of the first 7 weeks that we were here and I realise now that during that time, I just about kept my head above water.

Anyway, here we are and we are in our new home two weeks. We love it! It’s ideally what I would build. We are hoping to buy a family home in the next year if we decide to stay in Ireland long term but for now we are just happy to be in the area that we want in Galway so that we can focus on the kids and getting them registered for schools etc.

For me, I have been so consumed by them and in such a sleep deprived fog that I haven’t taken much time to think about my own transition and what’s next for me. I’m starting a post grad in digital marketing in the coming weeks and thinking that in early 2019 I will return to work full time. It all feels very strange having only worked part time and when suited me over the past four years. I feel a bit redundant, like I’m starting again. An ole wan, with no career – the kept wife. Clearly my confidence has also taken a blow by being out of work to.

I guess that leads me onto the main crux of this piece. What does the trailing spouse do when you’re home? You’re still trailing. You’re still picking up the pieces. Organising the shipments, the unpacking, the schools, the daycare.. Planning the lives of your family and trying to ease the transition as much as you can for everyone else. But you’re not the trailing spouse anymore. Before you’ve even had a chance to catch your breath family and friends are asking when your going back to work? The moms at the school gate ask what do you do? The mortgage broker wants to know what your plan is for the future… I haven’t stopped spinning and I don’t know the answers right now. My support system of expat friends is gone. My friends that kept me sane and called over for coffee no longer live down the road. It’s all new for me here. I don’t have many friends in the area. No one to call upon for advice about childcare or keep me company while Rob is away with work and I have the kids alone for 10 days straight. His family are close and they’re wonderful but I can’t rely on them all the time. I need my own community. My own network. I need my returned expats who understand what we are going through.

It’s weird being home in Ireland and feeling more foreign than I did in my third year living in Puerto Rico. In so many ways my heart aches for the sun, the beach, our friends and the people. Yet, my head knows that home is home and it’ll feel like home again. It just takes time. Like starting an expat assignment all over again.

A letter to my son..

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You were placed on my chest the minute you were born. I instantly felt love like no other I had ever experienced before. I also felt utter shock that now I was responsible for this tiny little human and with that comes enormous responsibility.

I’ve watched you grow over the past four years and I see elements of both your daddy and me in you. You have my nervousness and need for reassurance and you have your daddy’s love of everything outdoors. I have so enjoyed being home with you over the past three years and taking care of all your needs – even if at times all I craved was an hour in bed and some hot coffee.

Now you have a little sister and she’s your favourite thing in the world. You shower her with kisses and cuddles, you sing to her when she’s crying and you’re always telling me how much you love her and how cute she is.

Michael, I hope you’ll always have that love for her and for every woman who crosses your path. As parents we feel responsible for all your actions and while I want you to always have respect for every person – male or female that crosses your path.. I want you to remember that there will be people in the world that will particularly try to get you to disrespect women and you need to be strong. You need to tell them that if they speak about a woman in a derogatory term that you won’t tolerate it. It’s not going to be easy but its important.

I’ll remind you of this regularly. I want you to grow to be a strong and independent man. One that will show respect for any partner in life, male or female. One that understands the importance of respect in a relationship and how you can only respect yourself by treating others how you would like to be treated yourself.

You’re growing up in a home that is safe and secure and your daddy and I want you to be true to yourself and not led along by boys that haven’t been afforded the same opportunity or who haven’t been taught the same lessons. Be yourself. I know you’re a kind boy and who will always look out for others. Remember that and you won’t be steered wrong in the world.

 

And then we blinked and it was all over…

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We knew it was coming. We came to Puerto Rico for two years and stayed for three. We always intended to leave in 2018. We discussed our options and made a decision and yet when it was final and flights were being booked it hit me like a train. The feeling that the adventure is over, the indipedence of travel and freedom that we have experienced over the past three years is coming to an end.

Our time here has far exceeded any expectations that we could ever have had. Surrounded by amazing friends, beautiful beaches and quality family time we have had such a great time. I couldn’t have asked for better and all good things must come to an end. Now, don’t get me wrong. Life has its challenges no matter where you live. The inconsistency in services here in Puerto Rico, the hours spent waiting for appointments, the dangerous driving etc have all been challenges. Never mind living through a category 5 hurricane last year. I’m a believer in life is what you make of it and while those things have been frustrating they didn’t really impact on our lives here. There’s always ways around it and I adjusted quickly.

So when faced with the decision of where we were going to go we had a decision of mainland US or home. Home won out for us. The job was more attractive for Robert and now having a three month old little girl who hasn’t yet gotten to meet her family in Ireland we realised the importance of being close to family.

We are going to live in Galway close to Rob’s family and we have rented a beautiful house on the beach front in Spiddal that will be a great starting base for our family back home. Rob is going to be travelling for a huge amount of the first year with his new job and that’s also going to be an adjustment.

When we came here we didn’t know anyone and it worked out great for us and we made wonderful friends. In fact, I really feel a close connection to my expat friends. Like we have all been on a journey and can laugh about experiences and like its a private joke that other people wouldn’t understand. I’m hoping that it’ll be easy in Galway to get to know people and to establish ourselves there with a community thats just as strong as the one we have had here.

I’m looking forward to finding a part of myself that I lost here. The part of me that worked outside the home. I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do – study for while or return to part/full time work but it’s definitely something that I need to do for me. I’ve been home with my children for three years now which was never really in my plan. I certainly don’t regret the time that I’ve spent with them but I’ve missed having a professional working life and I can’t wait to drink hot coffee again!

So much change, so much to organise and so much to look forward to. Puerto Rico will forever have a  special place in my heart and I can’t wait to return and bring Mary Kate back some day and show her where she was born.

A new sense of normal… but everything has changed.

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It’s been two months. Time seems to have stood still. Some days have felt like a year and yet I can’t believe that it’s been two months since Maria devastated the island.

Progress has been made for the lucky ones. We had power restored last week and it has been the biggest blessing that I could hope for so close to the end of my pregnancy. It is sporadic and it does come and go but the generator is now our back up rather than the main source. We are in the lucky 25% of the island that have both power and water. If you go five minutes from my house you will encounter those that do not after such a long period.

So, we stayed. We have been on a rollercoaster. I could complain all day about the every day inconveniences – the long lines, the lack of fresh food, the terrible phone and internet service etc but no one wants to hear about that. They really are first world problems in comparison to what the rest of the island is feeling.

We have been helping where we can. A couple of weeks ago we decided to go out into the community and distribute what we could. We hired a chef who cooked Paella so we could give people a hot meal, we packed up donations of clothing, hygiene products, toys, bags of food, water and hired a nurse for the day so that we could provide medical assistance where needed. We had a supply of battery fans and solar lights for the sick and elderly and those with small kids. We went to a small town called Toa Baja just five minutes from Dorado.

What we saw was complete devastation. Debris had not been picked up, no running water in the town – they had had 10 feet of water flow through it the day of the hurricane. The people who came were grateful for the support that we were providing but it didn’t feel enough. Too little too late for most.

 

We visited some houses in the area that the people couldn’t come to the event to deliver supplies and I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. I know this is as a result of poverty rather than just Maria but where do you start to help? The people in these homes had nothing to start with and now they’ve lost the little that they had.

We continued our work over the past two weeks by trying to support a smaller number of families who had direct needs. One family of four here in Dorado that lost everything – we went and secured tarps to their house to help with the flooding when it rains, brought them food, hygiene supplies and clean bedlinen as well as fans, solar lights, chargers and other essentials. An 84 year old woman in Toa Baja living alone. She was the sweetest woman I’ve ever met. Kissing my baby bump and asking me to return so she could meet the baby. Her house isn’t safe for her to remain in but she won’t leave. We couldn’t go on the roof to help because it was not secure enough to hold anyone. I’m afraid that it will collapse on her. Don’t get me wrong, her house is not just in this condition because of Maria – this is extreme poverty and neglect. But it doesn’t seem enough to just leave her some essentials and check in every once in a while. What if that was your mother? It’s inhumane. And yet she was happy. I left her house feeling angry with the world that at this point in her life she has to struggle for every meal and has to live in such conditions. We have contacted a group to see if we can perhaps build something safer for her to live in on the property if she won’t leave.

I don’t know where we go from here. Baby is due in three weeks and I know that’s where my concentrations should be lying but I’m distracted by what I see around me. It’s been life altering here and seeing the extremes. We will continue to help where we can and hopefully can make difference to those that need help and support.

Some news…

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So I’ve been pretty absent over the past couple of months. I can’t believe it’s almost the end of June already!

The past few months have crawled and gone at lightning speed at the same time. Our big news is that we are expecting a new addition to our family. We are obviously delighted and it’ll make for an extra special Christmas for us.

Now, when I was pregnant with Michael I was very sick. 24/7 nausea. This time has been even worse with full blown Hyperemesis. I’ve been medicated since 7 weeks because if I’m not I’ll throw up 10+ plus a day. Which has happened lots of days even with the medication. It’s been a long road and it’s only now at 17 weeks that I have some relief from the constant nausea. Although I’m still likely to throw up at any time. More than once I’ve been sick on the side of the road.  I’ve also been suffering with headaches a lot. With Michael I was hospitalized with migraines but much later in the pregnancy so I’m hoping it’s not a bad sign of things to come.

IMG_0182My sanity has most definitely been tested over the past couple of months and it’s been difficult to look after an active toddler and to try and stay active myself when I can but fingers crossed the worst of it is now over.

In terms of prenatal care I have even shocked myself with this news. Waiting times for hospital appointments here can take all day. The minimum hospital stay for giving birth is three nights… so I’ve decided to try for a home birth. This also means that all my prenatal appointments take place at my house. This saves hours of waiting around in a waiting room. So far so good. I get a scan at every appointment, have had all my bloods and tests done and I have also had Harmony testing and everything is great. A home birth means no drugs of course for labour but I’ve started practicing gentle birthing and I’m hoping this and the birthing pool will get me through. For the actual birth I’ll have a doctor, a doula and a midwife. This is far more hands on care than I would have in a hospital setting so unless there’s an emergency situation this bump will be making its way into the world at home. Any advice for this is welcome!!

I’ve tried to work out as much as I can and have taken up yoga to help with my back. So far so good and weight gain has been minimal in comparison to my first pregnancy.

So other than all of that it’s only 10 days until we fly home to Ireland for our summer trip. It’s the first time Michael has understood the notion of going on a plane so he’s very excited. Maybe not so excited about the change in temperature!!

Im really looking forward to a month in Ireland as we will be staying in Puerto Rico for Christmas again this year with a newborn. There will be a lot of catching up with family and friends and we have a wedding too so I’ll be trying to cover the bump for that.

The Selfish Expat

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Last week was St. Patricks Day and it got me slightly nostalgic for the ole Irish sod. We have a small but great Irish community here and in many ways we take more celebration in St. Patricks Day than we would at home because we are away and want to mark the day anyway.

It got me thinking about expat life in general and how we are so removed from Ireland and the goings on. Sure, I watch the Irish news and keep up to date with current affairs but on a day to day level we are away from family and friends and not living in the same world. It may be only temporary but how do you integrate back into that when it’s time to go home?

It’s not the same with family when you’re abroad. You can’t celebrate their good news, hold them when things are going wrong and support them when they need it. Most of the time you’re watching a clock as you’re in a different time zone and it’s about trying to get time to make the call.

So does this make us expats selfish? Are we not there for our families and friends in the way that we should be because we want adventure and the chance to be abroad? Is enhancing our lives and experiences at the detriment of being close to our families and being able to support them? Will our long term friendships with those in Ireland suffer in the long run simply because we struggle to stay in contact?

I’m trying my best to plan our trip to Ireland this summer to allow catch ups with all the family and friends that we need to see but it’s difficult in such a short space of time. I feel obliged to spend as much time as I can with family and feel guilty for being away to see friends.

Do all expats feel selfish at some point for not being at home?

Flying with kids

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I partly feel like I’ve no right to write on this topic because we only have one child. I see lots of people flying with 2/3 kids on a regular basis and I take my hat off to them. Flying with one is hard. Flying with three kids under 5 is like undertaking a special mission.

Flying as an expat is different to flying on your annual holiday. In most cases you will be flying multiple times a year depending on what family events you need to trek home for. It’s also common, not always, for expats to fly in business class when it’s available as one of the perks. This brings its own challenges. Trust me! Business class is lovely for the extra space and the opportunity to lie down on a long flight.. But what if you’re travelling with a teething 8 month old that refuses to sleep and is crying and you’re worried that it’s upsetting the other passengers who have paid an extortionate fee for some extra comfort on their flight?

We have been on over 20 flights with Michael in the two and a half years that he’s been in this world and this is my advice to anyone that has to fly regularly with kids.

  1. Be prepared. If your child is too small to be distracted by the tv screens than you’re going to need lots of things to entertain them. My top tips are snacks, colouring books, a magna doodle or etchasketch, sticker books, iPad with their favourite cartoons downloaded and some small compact toys. Make sure they’re all new and not something that they’ve seen before. This will really help distract them when you need it most. Prepare them by telling them about the journey in advance. Talk about it excitedly, about the plane, what to expect and where you’re going. Make it an adventure!
  2. Bring back up batteries. You’ll need them for charging your phone and entertainment devices. Trust me!
  3. Carry pain relief. Altitude does funny things to smallies and it’s always good to have pack up. Often their ears will pop, throats will be dry and can even have a fit of vomiting or diarrhoea so it’s good to have the essentials to hand when you need them.
  4. In your hand luggage have at least one change of clothes for yourself and two for them. See point two.. You’ll need them!
  5. Layovers are a pain. Often we can be in JFK for 4/5 hours waiting for our second flight. This is when you want to tire them out. Bring one of those backpacks with straps and reigns and let them run around. Take turns if there is two adults travelling. If you have access to a lounge take them there and take advantage of it. If not, then lots of airports have kids areas that you can avail of. Now is when you want them to burn up their energy so that hopefully they will sleep on the next flight!
  6. If you can book a seat for them. I know under 2 they can sit on your knee but if you’re on multiple long flights then they’re not going to be comfortable sleeping on you and you will also be exhausted. I found with Michael that if he fell asleep he would wake after 45 mins if I was holding him.
  7. I don’t take a stroller. They can be awkward to collapse and then you have to wait for them on the other side. Instead I got a wheel attachment that attached to his car seat and then he sits in his car seat on the plane. It makes life so much easier. I ordered it from amazon but it’s by a company called go go babyz. You can see it here 
  8. I’ve travelled a few times on my own with Michael and it can be hard to handle the hand luggage, the car seat, settling him and yourself, trying to use the bathroom and everything else on your own. I’ve been so lucky with other people offering to help and these usually aren’t the airport or airline staff. Some airlines have flight nannies or can offer extra assistance so it may be worth checking out if travelling alone.
  9. Call the airline before you fly to check requirements around flying with a child. What food and drink items you can take through security, can you bring your car seat on board (Delta now don’t allow this and don’t provide any safety harness for this child when sitting on your knee!!!!), is there priority boarding for kids? All these things will help with your journey if you know what to expect.
  10. Have a plan for when you get to the other side. If you’ve flown multiple flights, are now in a different time zone and have been travelling for over 24 hours you’re going to be tired. Have someone pick you up so you’re not relying on public transport to get to home. You’ll be so glad of a friendly face.
  11. Expect the unexpected. Flights get delayed. Changes happen. If you’re prepared for them then you can cope with unexpected travel changes. I have been delayed for 10 hours in total during one journey home alone with Michael. It’s tough but this is where the back up of toys, iPads, colours etc come in. Wine for you if you need it too!

And most of all…. RELAX! I repeat to myself constantly when travelling that this will pass. It’s just one day. One long day that you have to get through and you’ll get through it. It’s always worth it to see family on the other side!

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Sweat Fridays… or is that everyday?

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So this is a pretty personal one for me so be nice…. Anyone who follows me on twitter or instagram will see that I often post updates about food and fitness.

I exercise a lot. A typical week sees me workout with a trainer three times week. Sessions are broken down into one leg training day using gym machines and resistance training, one upper body day doing a mix of weights circuits and tabatha training and one high intensity circuit training day that trains all body and almost kills me. My trainer usually keep this for a Friday and we joke about #sweatfridays!

On top of that I run three times a week for cardio. Usually one long run, one mixed tempo run and one interval run. I usually do a quick ten minute ab routine myself at home 3/4 times a week.

Let me tell you that exercise does not come easily to me. I’m not coordinated and I have a whole back catalog of horrible childhood memories of not being good enough on the sports  field and being last to be picked for any teams. I always tried to get out of doing PE because of it. Teenagers are mean. I wasn’t fast, was a little over weight and got no encouragement from teachers. Irish schools can be a pretty isolating experience.

In college I gained a lot of weight. Nights out, bad food choices and sugary alcoholic drinks meant that by the time I was graduating I tipped the scales at over 16 stone. I lost 2 stone of that through diet and when I started my job in 2010 I was weighing over 14 stone and a size 16. I was driving a lot and decided that once and for all I was going to change and lose it all. I wanted to be the best version of myself. Juliet Murphy was the woman who literally changed everything for me. She was based in Ballincollig, Co. Cork and took me on as a personal training client. Along with a high protein diet the weight shifted. She trained me three times a week and the sessions were so tough. But the lbs came off. On average I lost 5-7 lbs a month and then I started to tone and build muscle. When I got married in 2012 I was a size 12 and 12 stone. I had lost 4 and a half stone and I felt great. I was strong, lifting heavy weights, had a lot more energy and I felt good in my clothes. Confident in a bikini. I still felt that I had a bit of my journey to go but now I knew how to get there.

This was me at my heaviest in college and then in 2013 just before I got pregnant.

 

In 2014 Michael was born. I was very sick during the pregnancy and was recommended to give up exercise. I was on crutches with severe SPD for the last three months of the pregnancy. My mother was dying and I was comfort eating. I gained 4 stone by the end of the pregnancy.

When he was 12 weeks old I was ready to begin exercising again and started working out at home and making better food choices. But the weight never fell off. I lost probably a stone of that weight in the first year after he was born and then it just stopped. After we moved to Puerto Rico I joined the gym, got a trainer and then started back running. Sure I got fitter. Sure I’m more toned and stronger. But the weight isn’t coming off. I’m not getting back into pre pregnancy clothes and now I’m at a loss at what to do.

I physically can’t work out anymore than I do. My food choices are really good. In Ireland last summer I went to a GP and asked for bloods to check my thyroid levels. Everything came back normal. I went to the gynaecologist here in Puerto Rico and asked her to check my hormones seeing as how I have PCOS and endometriosis. She did an insane amount of blood tests and said everything was fine but that I would possibly benefit from a testosterone implant. I went for it. $400 later and it didn’t make a difference.

I went to a nutritionist and they suggested a keto diet where I would eat more healthy fat than protein and I stuck to it 100%. After initial results it was stagnant after a couple of weeks and didn’t work for me. I continued to workout, eat well, cut out alcohol, sugar, carbs.. everything! I’ve tried everything. Nothing was working

I’m currently doing the F4L programme. I can’t recommend this enough. This is an online programme based in Ireland. I have to say it is fantastic. The support is next to none. It involves four workouts per week and a food plan and recipes which is high protein but allows for carbs if earned through working out and has some excellent advice on muscle recovery after working out etc. I’m not doing the workouts (I have done them in the past), as training here is now part of my daily routine but I know that the nutrition part of this programme is excellent and that’s what I’m following. It also includes a private Facebook group for support where you will find the nicest, most inspirational supportive ladies around. I’ve seen the results that they’ve achieved I can see that this programme works. That’s why I’m sticking around even though my results aren’t what they should be. I know that it isn’t the programme. I know how hard I work at it. I also know enough about nutrition and food to know that this programme should be working for me.

So that’s why I’m now going a step further. I’m going to do the alternative route. I’m meeting with a homeopathic doctor this coming Tuesday and I’m going to have some food allergy testing done. I’m going to compliment whatever they suggest to cut out with acupuncture. I am not giving up. I will get back to my goal. I will get my confidence back. And I will get back into my pre pregnancy jeans. I’m going to stick with my plans and not give up on this as hard as it is to keep trucking on with only minor success. I will get there. 8lbs loss over two years has resulted in the difference between these two pics below. A lot of sweat and hard work has gone on in between.

I’m going to stop feeling like my body has let me down because it’s not responding right now. I’ve had a child. I’ve given birth and it has been through a traumatic experience. Its done amazing things.

I’m also going to stop being judgemental of other people and their journeys. Smug me thought that if you move more and eat less then you’ll lose weight. I’ve felt so bad about myself because now that hasnt worked for me. I need to look at plan E and see what will work for me.

I really hope that in couple of months time I will back here to tell you all that between the advice and support from F4L and the elimination of food allergies that I’m seeing results. I don’t care how small they are. I don’t care if it’s not the scales that moves but inches. I won’t stop until I’m there.

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Mothers..

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I wrote this piece 10 months ago on Mother’s Day and never pressed publish. It was too painful and I felt like a broken record. I’m finally ready to publish it because I’m now in a better place. I want others to know that it’s normal to feel like this. This it is ok to be sad. It’s ok to still miss someone after they’ve died if you’re not ready to move on.

_________________________________________________________________ It’s Mother’s day. I obviously have a love/hate relationship with this day. I love being a Mom myself but I miss my own mother more than words can convey.

It’s almost two years since that day. The last day that we had hope. The day that Rob walked into my room in hospital and told me that you weren’t going to get better. That there was nothing left to do – only wait for your time here to be over.

You were so brave. I felt so bad for crying on the phone to you when I called later that day. You were talking about faith and putting your trust in god. I wanted to scream and tell you that none of it mattered. What was the point in god and faith if he was taking you from us? What god was taking you away from me when I was weeks away from becoming a mother myself. You weren’t going to be there when I needed your help and guidance. I knew nothing about having a baby or raising a child.

I miss you. More than I ever imagined. I miss everything – how soft your hands were. How you laughed. How on a Friday night when we would come to stay for the weekend you would stay up late chatting on the couch with me. How until I moved out at 19 you came into my room every single night without fail to check on me. How you ran out of the kitchen on a Sunday morning when you were in your nightie and Rob came down early. How I painted your nails – it makes me giggle that at the moment you passed away I was holding onto your feet, your bright pink nail polish still on from the very last time I had painted them a couple of weeks before. I spent so much time over the years painting your toe nails. I probably would have picked a different colour had I known that I would never get a chance to do them again. It was shocking pink!

I miss your work ethic. How you worked so hard to make the businesses a success. How you never complained about the hours and how hard it was travelling the country every weekend at trade shows. How your feet ached at the end of the day. How you made our house a home. The dinners, the tea, the packages of food being sent home with us on a Sunday. The Sunday morning fry where we would sit and chat for an hour after. Your energy for looking after your family never ceased to amaze me.  The Christmas morning about five years ago that we ate about 30 mini pan au chocolat and watched Miracle on 34th street and forgot about dinner – a Christmas day will never go by without that memory bringing a tear to me eye.

Your phone has long been cancelled. But I replay the phone number over and over again. I miss being able to dial it and ask for your help and advice. You always knew what to do. Your instinct was always scarily accurate. You just seemed to know when something was up. Even the days that during my pregnancy that things were complicated you seemed to know I was in hospital before I told you. It was weird!

I’ve thought a lot about being a mother – what it takes and what I’ve learnt from you. I used to think at one point that you put too much pressure on me. The endless music lessons, auditions, singing, dance classes, french lessons, art classes, speech and drama… everything. I thought that you were pushing too hard and that I was never good enough at any of these things. Hindsight and experience has now taught me that you enrolled me all of this because you had faith in me. You believed I was probably more talented than I ever really was and I love you for that. Your dedication to trying to make me the best I could be. I’m eternally grateful to you for that love and support and I’m sorry that I didn’t live up to those expectations a lot of the time.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for your guidance, wisdom, knowledge, love and dedication. I’ll miss you forever.